If Monkeys had Training…

I haven’t yet elaborated on the highly complex thesis/ethos/manifesto behind these scriptures but i assure you it will all become clearer as we progress. There is a distinct political and moral standpoint that has sparked these feelings in me and it has nothing (well not much) to do with monkeys. But they do form a critical part of my analysis. We will cover a full range of topics of discussion that will clarify The Ultimate Truth for all you layman that have been unfortunate enough to miss it.

Just for all the Impatient ones amongst you i will also release a word from my manifesto each week.

This week the word is:


all you have to do is collect them all and fit them together. have fun kids!


~ Quote of the day ~

If i f*ck twenty of them do i get a discount?”

Gary Glitters tongue-in-cheek request at the recent Cambodian Child market



If Monkeys had thumbs…..

Yeah thats right. what if our primate chums had opposable thumbs and not the malingering digits thay have now? you think we’d be sitting pretty at the top of the food chain? NO. They would still have their primal instincts and lack of moral cognition, which would in fact be an advantage in combat against humans. We would end up living in a world where:

  1. Big Brother does not exist,
  2. We are slaves to our rabid chimpanzee overlords
  3. Any revolution would be bloody brutal and would involve the castration of Christopher Biggins
  4. Men would be celebrated for banging their chest and going ooh ooh to each other
  5. Women would lose all rights except the one that allows them to go into supermarkets with a baby clutching their midriff
  6. Nit combs would become obsolete.
  7. Tosh lines would be as God
  8. God would appear as Tosh lines
  9. The theatre would actually be entertaining (imagine Henry IV played by ring-tailed macacqs)
  10. David Hasselhoff would be popular everywhere
  11. simple arguments would be solved not by fighting or intimidation using local patois, but by banging of ones own head and seeing who can scream the loudest.
  12. Dave Lee Travis could be on telly and not just on radio.
  13. Hitch-hiking would treble in its Fun:Danger of being stabbed/raped in a van ratio!
  14. We would finally be able to get Bubbles’ side of the story in the Jackson case.
  15. Hats would be seventeen times as funny if worn by apes (according to the Davro/Abbott/Forsyth matrix)
  16. we could fling shit at each other willy-nilly (thats one of my favourite sentences)

So you see this world is quite clearly more admirable. at least their citizens have brains and don’t communicate from under a grey hooded sweatshirt using the repsonse: “nah mate” to everything. We would not be surrounded by c*nts, but instead a group (the correct term is smuggle of monkeys) of monkeys that would quite possibly be running wild, but due to their inability to absorb as much information as us, are unable to take on a full education. They would therefore not be as c*ntish as the imbeciles that have a chance at education but neglect and erode the social one they already have in favour of flashing lights and ringtones.

I believe it was Simon and Garfunkel that once said:

“I’d rather be a monkey than a magpie, yes i would, if i could i surely woo-oould”

Although the verse was later removed from the album (as was the song ‘All the little nig-nogs’ and ‘Death to Mandela!’), due to possible racist connotations.

i’d rather be a magpie, a monkey or a fucking sea-slug than someone who uses the word ‘Innit’ as a question.

If monkeys had guns…..

A list of the ten best dead people (Some were great, others…its just great they are dead)

1. Hunter S Thompson –

A Giant of a man who showed you don’t have to give a shit to give a shit. author, writer, journalist, troublemaker. Showed in death how to live in life, much like jesus except with more guns and cocaine.

2. Kirsty McColl –

An artist whose extensive singing career was tragically but hilariously eclipsed by her death, via a speedboat to the head. little know fact: When the speedboat hit her, Kirsty’s windpipe got torn out and thrown several yards in the air landing in a Puerto Rican tourist’s Pina colada. it is now framed and over the bar in his restaurant in Miami.

3. Marlon Brando –

The mumbling fat man. Could have been saved but noone heard him mumbling for help

4. John Peel –

a hero and true legend. sorely missed in the world of alex zanes’, edith bowmans’ and lauren lavernes’. you are all shit and will be first against the wall. i’m sorry john, but you have left us in a whole world of shit. you were the last true music fan.

5. Luther Vandross –

what a c*nt! oh how can one person write so many f*cking songs about his dead father???! a crooner but a c*nt. glad he’s dead cos now he can go up to heaven and ‘Dance with his father’ like his been promising all these years.

6. Mother Theresa –

THE biggest liar in history. did a lot of good work but also advocated¬†murder 1000’s of albanian muslims. just goes to show if you have the right media team behind you, you can achieve anything. Mother Theresa= good PR team, Adolf Hitler= bad PR team. looked good in a shawl though.

7. Jeff Buckley –

i will add my voice to the millions of others who would like to see him alive for the purely selfish reason that being dead hinders extensive touring. An ‘It was nice to see my dad, we had a chat, worked stuff out, but now i’m back from the dead to play some classics’ Tour should be on the cards. Are you listening God? if its really full up there and you’re using a ‘one-in/one-out’ system…there is a lady called Victoria Beckham who has indicated she would be happy to swap.

8. Jimi Hendrix –

he could do what he liked with a guitar…i’m more intrigued to know what he’d do to Busted if provided with the right firearms, although the rumour is that Jimi was into hand-to-hand combat SAS-style and had an extensive collection of boot-knives and knuckledusters.

9. Bob Monkhouse –

There a lot of fans of the orange comedy maelstrom that was monkhouse, but i for one am glad he’s dead and he’s taken that book of f*cking rubbish jokes with him. he was a c*nt, and his smug smarmy face filled me with unbridled rage. he is solely responsible for Davidson. A C*nt-ege to monkhouses C*nt-or.

10. Mao-Zedong

Quite possibly the Oliver Hardy of international politics. Ruined his own country and killed over 50 million, but still manages to have a big picture of his fizzog up in the very square where some student got run over. in 1993 it was illegal to NOT have a picture of Mao in your bedroom. The first World leader to recognise the important ‘Wankers’ vote’

Rumpletweezer’s Handicraft Dungeon

Hello my young disciples. its no longer a mystery to me any more.i have had an epiphany. it is official. everybody should be lined up against the wall and shot. no melodrama. no dogma. everybody in the world has failed and shall be shown exactly how before they die. Marketing analysts! you didn’t see the big picture! up against the wall…BANG! Attendants at Seaworld! The answer does not lie in fish! Aid Workers in the Sudan! come back home now and eat your tea! There is NO such thing as a selfless act. you are doing it for yourselves.

Yes it turns out, that after a slightly autistic period of fit-like dreaming, i have been blessed with the ultimate truth. we are all wrong. no matter how successful…no matter how f*cking NICE we are to each other! stop what you are doing…put down your pens and stop writing please. Life is not a bowl of twiglets. it is a plastic-wrapped party mix, and someone has eaten all the nice little cheesy ones.

This might all seem confusing to you now, but it will reveal itself in time. As i said we are all wrong and i will explain how and why over the course of this work. i am also wrong which kind of puts a spanner in the whole works thing, but we will get past that based on a puree of trust, ignorance and the adage “You Don’t Shoot the Postman if Auntie Mabel’s copped it”

An introduction…..

Well, after a few years soul-searching, following my dreams, travelling the world etc it has recently come to my attention that i am an egotist. i worship myself. i feel empowered by the constant scrutiny and analysis our daily lives undergo, via the various mediums of information available to us, and feel it is time to stop hiding behind my facade of humility and modesty and just come out with it…

[cue flashbacks of tumbling down stairs in a childhood home, bottles hit the wall behind my head where i land, disjointed and in pain but upright and aware of the lumbering bulk leering down at me. i try a wisecrack. i black out at as i am hit on the temple by the plastic exit ramp of my little brothers Fisher Price ‘stop n shop’ petrol garage.]

…i love myself. there’s no denying it. leave me in room with nothing but a photo of myself, a tube of Primula and a tea-towel and i will take onanism to another level. Thats why i have to write these entries. to communicate my reasons directly. i have to know that other people share in my appreciation of all things me. there must be other people out there as shallow and self-involved to write this stuff! maybe i’ll start a fan-club. The Admiral is on board. sound the horn and cast off.