The Infamous Hat Manifesto

Or: Hats and the people they wear

There is a an old proverb that states: The Eyes Are the Window To the Soul.

I believe this is true, a person’s eyes can have a depth that makes you feel like you are staring much further into a person’s psyche, and are often the one thing that gives a way a persons true meaning.

But perhaps it should be: The Eyes Are A Window To the Soul.

As i believe there are many other’s. Many other facet’s of a person’s being that can give away so much of their personality at just a glance.

One of them, the most sinister and evil one is the wearing of a hat.

A hat can be merely functional, a wooly hat in winter to warm the head, a beseball cap in summer to shield the eyes from the sun.

But the reality is that this constitutes perhaps 6-7% of the hat-wearing public……what of the remainder?

I shall tell you. If eyes are the window to the soul, and the way to man’s heart is his stomach…..then the hat is a window to a person’s pretension.

That is the nut of my manifesto. In the wearing and choice of hat you can tell everything about a person’s snobbish, arrogant side and an idea of how they feel about or perceive themselves.

A hat in a nightclub, worn by anyone other than a DJ or performer is a no no, they wear their hats as they have a commercial image to uphold and their appearance is a saleable commodity. Yours is not. you might as well be wearing sunglasses in a cinema because its “part of your look”

If you have a conscious look then you have no soul, and therefore your eyes are worthless and should be taken away from you.

If you wear a trilby, pork pie hat, or any other adornment of the head** then you are trying to communicate something, about how you want to be viewed, too loudly. If you have an idea of how you want to be viewed then this can be achieved through normal fashion choices. You do not need to go into a church and scream ‘I”M A CATHOLIC” for people to know that. Have faith that if people speak to you then your values, principles and belief set will come out through your words and attitude to life.

If you are trying too hard, the people who’s opinion and approval you crave will look upon you and say “he tries too hard, and it does not become him”. You will look desperate and craven and your insecurity will be there, arranged in a circle of fabric, right on your head. No one will fail to get the message. In your needy pursuit of social acceptance, you will attract nobody but the most shallow and vacuous and your lot will be eternally comparing headwear in high-end fashion boutiques. You will forget why you started wearing a hat and will instead become addicted to the false sense or courage and accomplishment it bestowed upon you the first time you walked out of the house. The subconsious guilt you ignored will disappear and you will cease to be a real person, and will become nothing but a screaming fashion banshee who squeals when someone wears a 18th century British Admiral tricorner hat to a gallery opening. And you will find yourself in a boutique somewhere, a week later asking the assistant where you can get one of them, firmly believing that you came up with the idea under your own volition. You will disappear like smoke from the annals of history as another victim of the most modern form of slavery…..Fashion.

**Beanies in general are an exception here, as they have a message but a very differing one. they tend to say ‘don’t look at me’ and are worn by the eternal introvert who forever searches for another way not to be seen, but in a cool way.

*Disclaimer* This manifesto does not say that all hats are wrong. Quite the contrary, a well chosen hat can be a delight. This manifesto deals with the hats and their wearers that are extraneous, unnecessary and immediately catch the eye as something that should not be there, much like a seeing a polar bear at a conference for modern sales tenchiques.