If Monkeys had thumbs…..

Yeah thats right. what if our primate chums had opposable thumbs and not the malingering digits thay have now? you think we’d be sitting pretty at the top of the food chain? NO. They would still have their primal instincts and lack of moral cognition, which would in fact be an advantage in combat against humans. We would end up living in a world where:

  1. Big Brother does not exist,
  2. We are slaves to our rabid chimpanzee overlords
  3. Any revolution would be bloody brutal and would involve the castration of Christopher Biggins
  4. Men would be celebrated for banging their chest and going ooh ooh to each other
  5. Women would lose all rights except the one that allows them to go into supermarkets with a baby clutching their midriff
  6. Nit combs would become obsolete.
  7. Tosh lines would be as God
  8. God would appear as Tosh lines
  9. The theatre would actually be entertaining (imagine Henry IV played by ring-tailed macacqs)
  10. David Hasselhoff would be popular everywhere
  11. simple arguments would be solved not by fighting or intimidation using local patois, but by banging of ones own head and seeing who can scream the loudest.
  12. Dave Lee Travis could be on telly and not just on radio.
  13. Hitch-hiking would treble in its Fun:DangerĀ of being stabbed/raped in a van ratio!
  14. We would finally be able to get Bubbles’ side of the story in the Jackson case.
  15. Hats would be seventeen times as funny if worn by apes (according to the Davro/Abbott/Forsyth matrix)
  16. we could fling shit at each other willy-nilly (thats one of my favourite sentences)

So you see this world is quite clearly more admirable. at least their citizens have brains and don’t communicate from under a grey hooded sweatshirt using the repsonse: “nah mate” to everything. We would not be surrounded by c*nts, but instead a group (the correct term is smuggle of monkeys) of monkeys that would quite possibly be running wild, but due to their inability to absorb as much information as us, are unable to take on a full education. They would therefore not be as c*ntish as the imbeciles that have a chance at education but neglect and erode the social one they already have in favour of flashing lights and ringtones.

I believe it was Simon and Garfunkel that once said:

“I’d rather be a monkey than a magpie, yes i would, if i could i surely woo-oould”

Although the verse was later removed from the album (as was the song ‘All the little nig-nogs’ and ‘Death to Mandela!’), due to possible racist connotations.

i’d rather be a magpie, a monkey or a fucking sea-slug than someone who uses the word ‘Innit’ as a question.