If monkeys had guns…..

A list of the ten best dead people (Some were great, others…its just great they are dead)

1. Hunter S Thompson –

A Giant of a man who showed you don’t have to give a shit to give a shit. author, writer, journalist, troublemaker. Showed in death how to live in life, much like jesus except with more guns and cocaine.

2. Kirsty McColl –

An artist whose extensive singing career was tragically but hilariously eclipsed by her death, via a speedboat to the head. little know fact: When the speedboat hit her, Kirsty’s windpipe got torn out and thrown several yards in the air landing in a Puerto Rican tourist’s Pina colada. it is now framed and over the bar in his restaurant in Miami.

3. Marlon Brando –

The mumbling fat man. Could have been saved but noone heard him mumbling for help

4. John Peel –

a hero and true legend. sorely missed in the world of alex zanes’, edith bowmans’ and lauren lavernes’. you are all shit and will be first against the wall. i’m sorry john, but you have left us in a whole world of shit. you were the last true music fan.

5. Luther Vandross –

what a c*nt! oh how can one person write so many f*cking songs about his dead father???! a crooner but a c*nt. glad he’s dead cos now he can go up to heaven and ‘Dance with his father’ like his been promising all these years.

6. Mother Theresa –

THE biggest liar in history. did a lot of good work but also advocated┬ámurder 1000’s of albanian muslims. just goes to show if you have the right media team behind you, you can achieve anything. Mother Theresa= good PR team, Adolf Hitler= bad PR team. looked good in a shawl though.

7. Jeff Buckley –

i will add my voice to the millions of others who would like to see him alive for the purely selfish reason that being dead hinders extensive touring. An ‘It was nice to see my dad, we had a chat, worked stuff out, but now i’m back from the dead to play some classics’ Tour should be on the cards. Are you listening God? if its really full up there and you’re using a ‘one-in/one-out’ system…there is a lady called Victoria Beckham who has indicated she would be happy to swap.

8. Jimi Hendrix –

he could do what he liked with a guitar…i’m more intrigued to know what he’d do to Busted if provided with the right firearms, although the rumour is that Jimi was into hand-to-hand combat SAS-style and had an extensive collection of boot-knives and knuckledusters.

9. Bob Monkhouse –

There a lot of fans of the orange comedy maelstrom that was monkhouse, but i for one am glad he’s dead and he’s taken that book of f*cking rubbish jokes with him. he was a c*nt, and his smug smarmy face filled me with unbridled rage. he is solely responsible for Davidson. A C*nt-ege to monkhouses C*nt-or.

10. Mao-Zedong

Quite possibly the Oliver Hardy of international politics. Ruined his own country and killed over 50 million, but still manages to have a big picture of his fizzog up in the very square where some student got run over. in 1993 it was illegal to NOT have a picture of Mao in your bedroom. The first World leader to recognise the important ‘Wankers’ vote’