If Monkeys had a nice Walnut Jam with a hint of Garlic……..

Bongiorno, Bienvenuto, bonsoir…..these are all very offensive ways of saying ‘i don’t like you’ in a foreign language. Either that or every country i’ve ever been to, i have managed to offend the locals FAR too easily. I tell you, you get caught short in ONE holy temple and all of a sudden the whole religion wants to sacrifice you in some way.

Well once again i have been travelling the country spreading the word (on this particular trip it was the word ‘meringue’) and i have come to the following conclusions:

  • The finest pickled eggs can ONLY be found in a plastic jars on fish shop counters. All others are cheap imitations.
  • Lesbians are surprisingly good at scrabble
  • The highest point in Wales is actually a Dogging hotspot, and despite the altitude, will become the lowest point in your life after a tryst with a girl called meredith.
  • The common grass snake is not poisonous, but can be trained to hiss the tune to ‘Atmosphere’ by Russ Abbott
  • A Camper Van is not an appropriate place for a Bar Mitzvah…..Oi Vey!
  • The Savoy Gentleman’s club in Knightsbridge is no longer ‘the most exclusive club in the world’. I formed a Bill Oddie Spotting club and didnt let ANYONE join, not even myself. I have applied to the Office of Trading and Fair Standards for The Savoy to remove this now defunct claim from all of their signs.
  • Height is not directly proportional to the ability to speak ‘like a giant’
  • Ice Hockey is actually an optical illusion. There is no ice, just a series of ‘tracks’ that the skaters can go up and down like that old kids game ‘World Cup Soccer’
  • The armenian race are the most likely to be related to fish rather than primates like the rest of us. they have a thick scaly skin and traces of now useless gills on their necks. Depending on the region you can often find an Armenian male lying in the shallows of a lake (they are freshwater) covered in grit and sand waiting for some unsuspecting invertebrate to swim past.

I thought that was quite a lot considering i didnt get past Happy Eater on the M46