D.O.L.C.E Update: An Australian List…….?

Ok, I have been living in australia for over a year now and upon reading the latest copy of the DOLCE (found here: https://digitalcrab.wordpress.com/the-d-o-l-c-e-2011/) I realised that it is very anglocentric, and could only be fully appreciated if you are english, have an interest in shitty game shows and grew up in the eighties.

therefore I am opening things up for some Antipodean entries and will be updating it myself with my own observations, but feel free to let me know any that you guys think should be added. You already have a few entries in Steve ‘they got me in the end, the little blighters’ Irwin, and Dannii ‘they finally found a use for me’ minogue so there’s some ideas to get you going.

Here are my first selections of the cream of Australia’s fuckwits:

1.Tony Abbott

2. Paul Hogan

3.Julia Gillard

4.Eddy Maguire

5.Brett Lee

6.Brendon Favola

7.That crime boss that got his head caved in

8.Bev Marks (racist sofa’s)

9. Pauline Hansen (just racist)

10.Nick Maxwell (collingwood captain and bogan)

and on that note i pass the torch to your fine selves…..more from my adventure in the land of the upside down panda moon very soon!


The Infamous Hat Manifesto

Or: Hats and the people they wear

There is a an old proverb that states: The Eyes Are the Window To the Soul.

I believe this is true, a person’s eyes can have a depth that makes you feel like you are staring much further into a person’s psyche, and are often the one thing that gives a way a persons true meaning.

But perhaps it should be: The Eyes Are A Window To the Soul.

As i believe there are many other’s. Many other facet’s of a person’s being that can give away so much of their personality at just a glance.

One of them, the most sinister and evil one is the wearing of a hat.

A hat can be merely functional, a wooly hat in winter to warm the head, a beseball cap in summer to shield the eyes from the sun.

But the reality is that this constitutes perhaps 6-7% of the hat-wearing public……what of the remainder?

I shall tell you. If eyes are the window to the soul, and the way to man’s heart is his stomach…..then the hat is a window to a person’s pretension.

That is the nut of my manifesto. In the wearing and choice of hat you can tell everything about a person’s snobbish, arrogant side and an idea of how they feel about or perceive themselves.

A hat in a nightclub, worn by anyone other than a DJ or performer is a no no, they wear their hats as they have a commercial image to uphold and their appearance is a saleable commodity. Yours is not. you might as well be wearing sunglasses in a cinema because its “part of your look”

If you have a conscious look then you have no soul, and therefore your eyes are worthless and should be taken away from you.

If you wear a trilby, pork pie hat, or any other adornment of the head** then you are trying to communicate something, about how you want to be viewed, too loudly. If you have an idea of how you want to be viewed then this can be achieved through normal fashion choices. You do not need to go into a church and scream ‘I”M A CATHOLIC” for people to know that. Have faith that if people speak to you then your values, principles and belief set will come out through your words and attitude to life.

If you are trying too hard, the people who’s opinion and approval you crave will look upon you and say “he tries too hard, and it does not become him”. You will look desperate and craven and your insecurity will be there, arranged in a circle of fabric, right on your head. No one will fail to get the message. In your needy pursuit of social acceptance, you will attract nobody but the most shallow and vacuous and your lot will be eternally comparing headwear in high-end fashion boutiques. You will forget why you started wearing a hat and will instead become addicted to the false sense or courage and accomplishment it bestowed upon you the first time you walked out of the house. The subconsious guilt you ignored will disappear and you will cease to be a real person, and will become nothing but a screaming fashion banshee who squeals when someone wears a 18th century British Admiral tricorner hat to a gallery opening. And you will find yourself in a boutique somewhere, a week later asking the assistant where you can get one of them, firmly believing that you came up with the idea under your own volition. You will disappear like smoke from the annals of history as another victim of the most modern form of slavery…..Fashion.

**Beanies in general are an exception here, as they have a message but a very differing one. they tend to say ‘don’t look at me’ and are worn by the eternal introvert who forever searches for another way not to be seen, but in a cool way.

*Disclaimer* This manifesto does not say that all hats are wrong. Quite the contrary, a well chosen hat can be a delight. This manifesto deals with the hats and their wearers that are extraneous, unnecessary and immediately catch the eye as something that should not be there, much like a seeing a polar bear at a conference for modern sales tenchiques.

oh and one more thing…..

I am no longer using the qualifying argument, when I call amy winehouse an absolute crack-ridden fuckwhore from hell, that “she has got a good voice i’m not denying that”.

My auntie’s got a good fucking kareoke voice but she doesnt get international acclaim for injecting ketamin laced with her husbands cockglands into her eyeballs and then vomiting on stage to a pre-recorded version of her album.


The Camden Crawl Tapes….Pt 2


Ok Thursday night….about 6pm….first band and kick off at the Koko, overpriced drinks (£4 for a can of kronenbourg) set the mood for what will be a Idiot Exploit-a-thon, fuled by Carling, NME and the like.

We start with ‘Dogs’, and we puzzle over the interest-piqueing moniker until the band come on stage and the lead singer has a Southend United scarf hanging limply round his neck like many fringes we will see over the next day and a half.

From this we surmise the name must relate in some way to the isle of dogs, which leaves me extremely underwhelmed. They launch into their first ‘arctic-monkeys’ inspired riffs of bubbling basslines and rolling drums and what is essentially some MOR provincial power pop referencing self-hatred and escape from a bleak hometown. common fayre for many a modern band as they try and express their apathy through song.

However the bands get-up further proves that indie hair-pop has reached the suburbs and all they are really singing about is the fact that they weren’t born near camden.

[Here my notes become less extensive, but perhaps more intuitive so I will transfer them verbatim]

excellent riffs (monkeys again?) / escape from suburban circles (what a wanker) [I’m not sure what i mean here……]

Decent band singing about the isolation of a deserted essex town

koko drinks…remember to expose! ridiculous prices…………..

Man with big head……coconut shy……


well thats the second nugget, the third to come tomorrow. And with the frenetic pace that music seems to evolve at nowadays I think that this report, albeit over a year late, gives an intrigueing insight into the heart of NME-led mainstream music fans.

Tune in tomorrow for LOUIE!

The Camden Crawl Tapes……Pt 1

Yes its here….In April 2006 I embarked on an ill-advised sojourn into Idiot-Central for the Camden Crawl festival. A wristband-led event covering 40 odd venues over the camden/chalk farm area.

Re-ignitied in the early noughties as someone saw all the untapped idiot-potential for cash money walking up and down the high street each day trying to catch a glimpse of Doherty, Zane and their ilk.

here, unedited, are my thoughts and commentary, band-by-band, on the event transcribed from my ‘Tablet Refill Dataday No. 3 pad’ purchased from a newagaent that very day. You don’t get more authentic than that.

Fully made up in my own idiot armour I made for the Buck’s Head to meet Joey and Kev. Bumped into a drunken fool by the name of Dave, a former associate from University and well-known beer monster and ‘if-its-indie-I-love-it’ type with his standard surplus army jacket and mod haircvt attached. Agreed to meet up later to see the Fratellis. I’m not going to see the fratellis’

‘There’s too much styled hair around here. Everyone’s got it to spare. they should make these wigs with ready made outfits as well. I don’t fit in cos I don’t have skinny ankles. Fascists.’

Part 2 tomorrow! including the first band!

Have I missed anyone?

251. Prince Charles
252. Camilla Parker Bowles
253. Ricky Martin
254. Judge Judy
255. Adam Rickitts
256. Dean Gaffney
257. Latoya Jackson
258. Clare Rayner
259. Claire Sweeney
260. Venus Williams
261. Serena williams
262. Their Dad
263. Anyone who has ever been involved in the Salon
264. Tu-pac
265. Carol Vorderman
266. Jo Brand
267. Germaine Greer (Yeah!)
268. Ronan Keating
269. Hannah Martin (neighbours)
270. Liz Mcdonald (Corrie)
271. Jim McDonald (Corrie)
272. Victoria Wood
273. Fat Guy in Pie in the Sky
274. Jimmy Cricket
275. Roy Chubby Brown
276. Bernard Manning
277. Him from Aqua
278. The man who rapped on ‘Mysterious Girl’
279. Dom Joly
280. Ally McBeal
281. Roseanne Barr
282. The little girl, Olivia, from The Cosby Show
283. The Jogger from Direct Loan adverts
284. Rupert Young (will’s brother)
285. The Ferreiras
286. Alastair MCGowan
287. Jay Leno
288. The Cast and crew of ‘The Fast and The Furious’
289. The Cast and crew of ‘ The Passion Of The Christ’
290. The Cast and crew of Birds of a Feather
291. The entire current arsenal squad
292. Arsene Wenger
293. Sir Alex Ferguson
294. The Scottish pair form ‘Trading Up’
295. Sarah Phelps (Eastenders writer)
296. Ming Ho (as above)
297. Mandy (from Hollyoaks)
298. The gay one, Nick (from Hollyoaks)
299. The French again (including students, barmen and rugby players)
300. The Daily Mail.
301. Robert Kilroy-Silk
302. Michael Jackson
303. Gary Glitter
304. Ken Dodd
305. John Virgo
306. Pat Sharpe
307. Gaz Top
308. All Bouncers and doormen
309. Summer (Neighbours)
310. creators of the Fast-food rockers
311. The Fast Food rockers
312. H from Steps
313. The rest of Steps
314. Dancers
315. Michael Thatcher
316. Richard Branson
317. The little sh1t off the Frosties advert
318. Anybody who works in advertising
319. Anybody who is related to anybody who works in advertising
320. And their pets
321. Walt Disney (with dissent)
322. Kelly Osborne (she’s NOT a fucking style guru!!!! She looks like a fat retarded clown in fancy dress)
323. The rest of the Osbornes
324. Heather Mills McCartney
325. Richard Littlejohn
326. Melanie Phillips
327. Tom Cruise (NOT Katie Holmes…the poor girl)
328. All Scientologists
329. Buddha (smug b8st8rd)
330. Rumsfeld
331. Cheney
332. William Roache (Ken Barlow)
333. Barbara Windsor (Giggling, Bra-flinging, One-titted imbecile)
334. Clowns
335. Ashley Cole (see above)
336. All evangelists
337. Ben Thatcher
338. Russell Brand
339. Bullet for my Valentine (band)
340 Fall out boy
341. The Wayans Brothers
342. ALL the Wayans Brothers films
343. Jason Statham
344. ALL Jason Stathams solo action films (ie all but Snatch & Lock Stock)
345. Mariah Carey
346. Bev & Kev from that advert
347. Kelly Jones from Stereophonics
348. How clean is your house women
349 Supernanny
350. Sven Goran Erikkson
351. Andy Murray
352. Robert Mugabe
353. Jacob Zuma
354. Nestle
355. All feature writers for the guardian except Charlie Brooker
356. Cristiano Ronaldo
357. David James
358. Robbie Savage
359. Craig Bellamy
360. Paul Dickov
361. Peter Kenyon
362. Jade Goody
363. Nikki (Big Bother)
364. Charlotte Church
365. Britney Spears
366. Christina Aguilera
367. The entire cast and crew of ‘Grease’ and ‘Grease 2’
368. The entire cast and crew of ‘Grease the musical’
369. Anyone who likes Grease
370. MK Dons
371. MK Dons Fans
372. All members of the FA.
373. Sepp Blatter
374. Lennart Johansson
375. Craig Allardyce
376. ???????

Do you know who i think is a…….?

181. The England football band
182. Cilla Black
183. ‘Our’ Graham from Blind Date
184. David Copperfield
185. David Blaine
186. Rob Schneider
187. Bill Pullman (solely for his speech in Independence Day)
188. Bill pullman (for everything else)
189. Ewan Mcgregor
190. Dierdre Barlow’s Neck
191. Dierdre Barlow
192. Jodie Marsh
193. The entire cast and crew of Footballers Wives
194. Darius Danesh>>195. Daniella Westbrook
196. Michael Carroll (The Lotto Lout)
197. Changing Rooms’ Designers
198. ALL interior designers (contemporary my arse)
199. Samantha Fox
200. new presenters of Sooty
201. Scott Mills
202. Edith Bowman
203. Colin Murray
204. Bono
205. Jilly Goolden
206. Gary Rhodes
207. Delia Smith
208. The cast and crew of Titanic
209. Scooter
210. Paul Ross
211. Dominic Mohan (The Sun)
212. 3am Girls (the Sun)
213. Dr. Hilary Jones
214. Trisha
215. Oprah Winfrey
216. Vanessa Feltz
217. Welsh bands
218. Jeremy Guscott
219. Daniel Bedingfield
220. Ayia Napa (and everything it stands for)
221. Paris Hilton
222. Nicole Ritchie
223. Dale Winton
224. Demi Moore
225. Chris Martin
226. Gwyneth Paltrow
227. Cheeky Girls
228. Elton John (real name Reg Dwight)
229. Donatella Versace
230. Barry Manilow
231. David Essex
232. Janet Street-Porter
233. Ann Robinson
234. Tim Vincent
235. Yvette fielding
236. Mark Curry
237. Diane Louise-Jordan
238. Kriss Akabusi
239. The Mcgann Brothers
240. Johnathon Morris
241. Gary Lucy
242. Chesney Hawkes
243. Paula Yates
244. The Police
245. The British public
246. Leonardo DiCaprio
247. Gabrielle
248. Des’ree
249. Alanis Morrissette
250. Dave Courteney (mockney gangster)